Surviving a thing called "Life"

We as adults here this all the time. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. but is that true? Is that really true? It may be true but it doesn't feel like it. It sometimes feel like the hands we are dealt and things we deal with feel like they are going to destroy us and tear us down until we are nothing. For example, living pay check to pay check really is a struggle. So much at times it feels like your never gonna make it back to the top. Looking into your cabinet and its empty is also a struggle. Sometimes it makes you feel like a failure as a person because your cant provide for your family. I'm sure i'm not the only one who goes through this but that doesn't make it better. You sometimes feel like there is no ending to the cycle. Then something else happens in your life that just makes everything even worse. You never know what someone is going through. then on top of everything you cant seem to wanna better yourself. you don't have the energy to change your eating habits because you've turned to food to help deal with what your going through. what an awful cycle. you start 2nd guessing everything you know and believe in. you wonder what God is trying to teach you. what is the lesson in all of this for you? Other people aren't going through this. people you know are fine and happy. you try to be that way but its hard, its really hard to be happy when it feels like your life is falling to pieces all around you. then you go to church on Sunday and are reminded that you are okay. that sometimes life is just rough even though your life has been rough for 10 plus years or so now. and it feels like you and your family cant catch a break. you feel like when is it going to be your family's turn to feel happy and stress-free. when is it going to be your family's turn to see something you want and no questions asked you all can go buy it. Then you go to church on Sunday and remember why your family have to work hard for the things you want and sometimes you still don't get it. you remember that your family doesn't need expensive things or things at all. you remember that when you and your family work hard for you all want your more appreciative of those things and are grateful. your family survives life with God's love and each others love. you remember that your family is okay and that everything is going to be okay because you have God's love and each other. So when you wake in the morning your just like the other people that you know and don't know, your happy. Your happy to be alive, your happy that you and your family are able to see another day, and your happy that your family has each other and God's love. Tha'ts how my family survives life. That's how i survive life. Its difficult and there are days when i want to throw in the towel but i just remember that my life is my life and that i have a family that loves each other and has God's love. We have each other and God's love. that's surviving a thing called "life"
So until next time 

We got this!

Kicked to the curb like trash

When you think of trash you think of yucky substances that are in a bag and need to go to that big ole green thing that sits outside in your backyard or front yard, no judging here. You never think that it's someone, a human, a person, etc. Well, for some they do think people are trash for the fact that they just kick their loved ones to the curb like trash.

What is a definition of a Mother? According to Google, a mother is a woman in relation to her child or children(noun). Bring up (a child) with care and affection(verb). But my definition is simple just like my father definition. A mother is someone who is there for you unconditionally no questions asked. She puts her child(ren) first above anything else without questions asked or to think about it. She LISTENS to you like really listens to you when you talk about how you feel and what you are feeling. You are able to tell her how you feel and she doesn't get offended and yells at your or hangs up on you, she just listens. She genuinely proud of you for all that you accomplished and she doesn't throw up in your face the fact that you haven't had children or the fact that her other children gave her grandchildren. She doesn't treat you second best because you haven't given her grandchildren. She just accepts you for who you are and still loves you for it. 

6 Years ago there was a fallen out between my step dad and I because I at the time didn't pay my mother gas money for taking me to and from school. I at the time had honestly forgot. I had been dealing with a lot with school from exams and studying that I just literally forgot. Well i had posted how i felt about the situation on my Blog and on facebook. So that memory like all facebook memories came up and I shared it. I honestly didn't know it was only 6 years ago. I thought it was longer because it feels longer but also it feels like just yesterday i was called from everything from a bitch to a no good daughter to a piece of shit daughter and that i never loved him like a father and blah blah. I shared that memory on facebook because I still feel like i need to remember. I don't need to forget. I dont wanna forget how i felt that day. I dont wanna forget those people that were there for me from the beginning of my journey. I dont wanna forget that someone i loved alot and accepted into my life without knowing them and called them daddy. No, i dont wanna forget that. I want to remember and i want everyone else to remember with me. whether it hurts peoples feelings or not. If it does hurt your feels, then obviously you feel guilty. And thats exactly what my mother did. She told me that she doesnt want me in her life, she doesnt want me to come around, and that she is done with me. how can a mother say that to their child? i dont get it. for someone who didnt have me apart of their life i dont understand how easily it is to tell them you done with them. your kicking them to the curb like trash. 

Among this heartbreak, before this situation, i also lost 2 dear friends of mine. they took their life. They were suffering with depression and one was also suffering from Bipolar disorder as well. someone people like my husband dont like to here my say this but i can understand why they did what they did. I totally honestly can. Let me explain before you freak out. they felt like they had no one and they felt like no one cared about them. Those demons inside them got the best of them and they were louder than the angels inside. ive been there i almost done what they did. i felt like no one understood what i was going through and no one cared. i was obese, i was being raised by my grandparents, i had a grandma who mentally abused me, pushed people i loved away, i was told at 16 years old that there was a possibility that my mothers father was my father. like at 16, i was really going through alot. i was even going through hormones from being a teenager. when your that low you feel like there is no other choice but to do it or the voices in your head tell you to do it. and it doesnt help when you dont have the people their to help you and care for you. 

So, after what my mother told me, i am moving on from this with my head held high. I am now toxic free. It hurts it hurts really bad but i think this is for the best. I was a burden to her. i was a bother to her. she doesnt need someone else to worry about. she has plenty of people to worry about. so i dont need her. i have the people that will be there for me forever. and have been there for me since day one! they didnt just decide one day that they have had enough and kick me to the curb like trash. Its times like these you remember those that love you. and you remember how blessed you are to have them in your life because without them i wouldnt be where i am today without them. My husband, my grandpa, my mother in law. i owe them everything of me for what they have done for me and what they continue to do for me! i am so incredibly grateful for them and i love them with all of my heart.

I know this is a long blog but i felt like i needed to get this out because it feels better when you do get it out. I wanted to spread the awareness for mental illness. I wanted to make people aware of Toxic people and what they do to your life. they really do sicken your life and make your life toxic. like i said earlier i am moving on from this with my head held high and i know that i am not trash and i dont deserve to be kick to the curb like so. when i have my children i will never treat them like that. i will love them for who they are and what they stand for. i will be there for them regardless. they will know their mother loves them and cares about them. they will never ever ever question my love and how much i care. they will be put first! 

that is all! until next time:

"A champion is defined not by their wins but by how they can recover when they fall"-Serena Williams