Friends... What is the meaning of a Friend? Why do they mean so much to us? Well, according to the Internet a friend is someone whom one knows, likes, and trusts. That's pretty simple, right?!? Well, in my opinion, a friend is someone you confide in, who is always there for you no matter what, who likes you for EXACTLY who you are and loves you for just that end of story. A friend is someone who you can not talk to for a while but the second you contact each other it was like you just seen them yesterday. A friend is someone who doesn't take you for granted and knows how important you are to them even if your poor, ugly, fat, skinny, loud, emotionally attached to your boyfriend, & so in love it's pathetic but they don't care. A friend is someone who knows yours and their situation and doesn't think you have to buy their affection, they are just there in your life because they love you and love spending time with you. That to me is a friend. And what makes those qualities fantastic is that, that friend then becomes your best friend because they know SO MUCH about you that it gives you chills every time you're with them but you just smile because it's the coolest thing you could ever feel other than love for your significant other and the Lord!
Over the years i have learned SO MUCH about friends and best friends. Of course, like always i had to learn the hard way about both. I had to literally crash and burn on my face. I had cry countless tears and hit this dark, depressing part in my body and my mind. It was terrifying looking back at it all now. i don't even know who that was. I would say this situation started in 5th Grade and progressed all through high school, and then ended right now while I'm in college. That's a long time for someone to go through things like that, being continuous and more dark and depressing. Looking back i have no idea how the heck i got through it all. It must have been the Lord. even though my boyfriend was there to give me advice and give me a shoulder to cry on. I just believe it was the Lord. he was clearly the one to give me strength to continue and make it out alive. Yes, it was THAT bad. Well, among all of that craziness, i managed to figure out why each and every friend at the those particular times meant so much to me. It was because I'm such a sensitive person and back then i let people(my friends), say and do things to me because i thought it was okay. I learned that friends mean so much to us because they are there for us and they listen to us. They let us vent about things that our family and partners don't care to hear sometimes. Those things are priceless. Those qualities mean so much to us that we would do anything to keep friends that aren't right for us just because of those qualities. Which is great, right?!? No. After a while you start to see that they have all of these wonderful qualities but their actions and their love for you isn't right for you. Their love is fake. Their kindness is fake. Its not real. It was all a dream or some sort of book you read that was never published. Its so crazy how our mind and heart works when we love. Even if it's loving a friend. It doesn't matter love is love. and when we love sometimes we don't even see straight. honestly that is a bad sign. that's when you know something is wrong and something needs to change.
I had a few friends that put me through every single thing I've mentioned. I wont name names, not because I'm scared of what they might say or do. I could honestly care less because the truth is the truth regardless of how it is said or written. It was very hard for me those years. Looking back i wondered why God put me through those situations. I wondered why he let me get so far gone in my darkness and let me be someone totally different than who i really was. At times, before i found the Lord, i wondered if he just didn't care. But when i found the Lord, and FINALLY got baptised with billy, it finally hit me why this major stepping stone happened. It happened because i needed to see for myself, i needed to learn how to handle situations like this on my own. He wanted if i really trusted in him and believed in him so much that i knew, just knew, that everything was going to be okay. He wanted this to happen so i could grow to be a better person inside and outside. He wanted be to become stronger inside and outside and be proud of myself. He wanted me to be able to find people that excepted my strong quality and be proud of me too! He showed me that things in my life happen for a reason and for a reason we cant understand but that's okay because sometimes in life you don't need to understand, you just need to trust, believe, and love. That's it. How easy and simple, right!! LOL. After realizing this new wonderful stepping stone i finally went to the one and true best friend i had and still have. I told her how much i loved her, how much she meant to me, how much i appreciate her being there for me through thick and thin. I told her that I'm sorry i let the last friend i had control how i thought about her and that it would never ever happen again. I told her that i was thankful that she didn't let money get in the way of our friendship. And no I'm not dissing those friends of mine who i talked to everyday or try to talk everyday, and the ones that take me here and take me there, and just do things for me that i am truly grateful for! i love you guys too and i appreciate you guys too! But the best friend is there through my highs, my lows, and my inbetweens! LOL!
The last friend i lost will be the last friend i let change me or who i am. When i ended the relationship last year i thought i did a horrible thing. I thought maybe just maybe i did a horrible thing and thought about calling her and telling how sorry i was. Then i thought why would i do that. When someone is the way they are, they aren't going to change. You cant change someone. They are who they are. I ended our friendship because i felt like our friendship was based on money, greed, lies, and jealousy. Why keep a friendship that has all the wrong things as its base?!? Yes i did say i was going to buy her things for us to dress up on Halloween. I did because i love shopping and i love when i know I'm going to be getting money. Especially more than 100 dollars. My mind goes a little crazy and then i cant control my mouth and i start saying what i need and want. That's why i have a loving partner to kind of bring me back to cloud 9 and say hey, those things you want are just too expensive for us to buy and gives me another idea as to what to buy or do, etc! I was told i was a liar about all of that because i happened to go with my mother and the man that my mom married to a haunted attraction. Yes i spent money! Yes it was kinda pricey but I did not pay for it out of my pocket. My boyfriend did! It was his treat to me for Halloween because he knows how much i LOVE Halloween! My mother and her husband did also help pitch in! at the time, my moms husband was generous! Ha, that didn't last long did it?!? LOL! Anyways, i was called a liar. But i wasn't told this on the phone or in person. Like everything that happens, it just so happens i was told this on facebook! It was her status! No offense but how childish! She's older than me just to let you guys know. Then after that, i was told on the phone. When i was told that i was liar about everything that was said. I immediately felt hurt and angry. our friendship immediately came to my mind and it hit me that our friendship is based on money and bought friendship. So i ended it. plain and simple. Nothing fancy or sugar coated. Honestly, now, right now, i feel like a better person. I'm happier and i can finally be myself and not feel i have to compete for someone to like me and accept me when they really and truly don't. I can finally stop feeling self conscious about who might be talking about me behind my back. A good stanza from the song "Through Glass" by Stone Sour that goes with this tragic friendship is:
"How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins, contaminating everything
We thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)"
Friends, they come and go, but the ones that stay and leave a footprint on your heart that you cant forget or replace, those are the ones that matter and the ones that are going to be there forever! Choose your friends wisely. Always and always listen to your heart and the Lord. They both together, know best. Friends and best friends, at the end of the day, are truly God's gifts from heaven! My best friend and my few friends sure are! :)
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