Words.. Spoken Words.. Sentences.. Spoken Sentences.. This is how we communicate daily. It's how we know what's going with the world. It's how we know how someone is feeling. That simple right. Harmless. They don't hurt. How can they hurt you, they don't touch you, Is what your told by people. Well, I'm here to tell you that Words and however they are put, whether just spoken or put into sentences, they hurt, regardless. People don't realize that once you say whatever it is your going to say, you can't never ever take it back no matter how bad you want to. I have found that out the hard way the past 4 1/2 years. It's hard. It's hard because sometimes when your so mad you just want to say whatever it is on your mind because your upset and hurt, but you shouldn't. We humans, when we are hurt, we tend to say or do something that will hurt the person who hurt us, but we shouldn't act like because 2 wrongs don't make a right. It's hard but you sometimes just have to let things go, move on, and just pray about it. You can't just live your life being like other people because that is not going to get you no where. You have to be yourself and sometimes you just have to hold your tongue even though it's hard. Over the past 4 1/2 years i have had to learn that little lesson the hard way. I never understood 4 years ago when my boyfriend and I started dating we would constantly argue and argue. Almost everyday. Never stopping. It got really tiring and exhausting. Finally, we talked. He and I shared how we felt when we argued and what we said to each that made us feel that way. When we did this, we were communicating with one another how we felt and what bothered us. When he would say something or raise his voice at me, i would immediately shut down and defend myself. With that, i would say things that i didn't mean only because i felt hurt. That is by far the worse thing to do. The best thing to do is just to walk away. It took me a while to figure this all out. Well, anyways, today we are good. Once in a while we will have a argument but it's resolved shortly after.
Anyways, that's not the main reason why I'm writing this blog today. Today i am writing this blog because a few weeks ago my feelings got hurt really bad by someone i never would have thought would hurt my feelings. I hate to name names but he will never read this. And even if he does, i don't care because I'm not lying, I'm simply telling the truth. My step dad, the man that my mom married 20 years ago. The man, i didn't know but my mom loved and married. I accepted that. I accepted that my mom loved this man and wanted to marry him, i accepted him into my life without knowing the consequences and circumstances. I even accepted into my heart long enough to even call him Daddy. Wow! That's a lot for a child considering I had already had a father from the time i was born until that very moment and so on. My grandma hated, my grandpa hated, everyone in my family hated the fact that i called him Daddy. But i didn't care. I felt something for him that i could not explain. I loved my mother and wanted to be as close to her as possible even if it meant calling someone i didn't know Daddy. So for the rest of my life and up until those few weeks ago he was Daddy to me. Well, Fall of 2012, my boyfriend and I lost our vehicle. It died. So I needed a ride back and forth to school on Monday's, Wednesday's, Thursday's. So, my only and last choice was asking my mother. Mind you, my mother hadn't done nothing for me about college or even any school thing up until this point in my life. I was truly grateful and happy about it because she accepted. My stepfather, agreed also. I just had to pay gas money. Quite extreme for a daughter who is bettering herself and is trying to make a difference in her life, but i didn't care paid gas money anyway. $60 dollars a every 2 weeks. Yeah, crazy right?!? But i did it because i had no other choice. plus i got to see my mom on those days. It was great. It was like a win, win situation for me. Anyways, well fall semester ended. No soon as fall semester ended, Thanksgiving came, and no soon as Thanksgiving came, Christmas eve, and Christmas, and New years, and New years day came! So i had completely forgotten about paying my mother for that last week. Silly mistake. Common Era. People forget things all the time right?!? Well, no! Everybody but my Stepfather. Well, i had asked my mother if she could take me to school for spring semester for one day. I said yes. But my step father said no because i didn't pay my mother 25 dollars. I was told that if i wanted a ride that i needed to buy a vehicle or find another way to school. I thought that was just going to be it of the conversation. Oh no. It wasn't. I was told that if i didn't get everything i had asked for, for Christmas, then i would have money for a vehicle. I was told that i talk crap about my mom behind her back and that i only use my mother. I was told i wasn't a good daughter. This went on for quite sometime. Finally, he told me that i never wanted him as a father, or daddy, i didn't care about him and blah blah blah. He said more, but my blog isn't going to have cursing on it, so i can't say anymore about what he said. Anyway, I sat there, looking at those text messages, and wondering where on earth did all of this come from. I sat there and just cried like a baby. Why? Because i did love him like a father, sadly. I did do everything i could to make him happy and love me like his own. But everything i did and have done was never good enough compared to his own children. Even though, they both are druggies, one is a high school drop out with 2 kids and not married, the other one, dropped out but managed to get his GED, etc! But what really hurt was the fact that he said all of this to me at the time that my boyfriend and I had discussed him walking me down the aisle along side my grandfather. I was actually going to let that happen even though that would have truly hurt and upset my grandfather dearly because my grandfather is the one that was there from the beginning. Did everything he could to raise me right with my grandma. Never turned me away, always gave me anything i needed and wanted without question or motive. So yes, i sat there and cried. I was speechless, hurt, and torn. And the most saddest thing of all, is he can never take back what he said to me. He can never ever say anything else that can make how i feel go away. He can try, but its just not going to be the same like it was before he said all of those things to me instead of just talking to me face to face and telling me how he felt like a normal human being. He messed up one of the greatest relationships he will ever have in his life because he chose to speak while being hurt instead of waiting and telling me how he felt. Today, i am okay. I have moved forward with my head held high because i know i have people that love me for me and that will always be there for me regardless of what i do. They are the people that truly matter. My life is still together. I am happy. I believe that was the devil that day. I believe it was the devil trying to break me down and make me feel less than nothing that day. The devil actually thought he was going to win. But oh boy was he wrong. I'm still together, happy, and blissful. I may have those days where i feel like I'm not doing good enough. But its okay because like i said i have those people that care and love me and will pick me when i feel down. They know who they are!
See, acting out of spite or hurtfulness or anger doesn't solve anything and doesn't make it any better than the how the situation was before. It only makes it worse, and in the end, it tears bonds and relationships up to where you can no longer fix them or say anything to make it right. Please, after you read this, tell the people that matter to you how much they mean to you and let them know you will always come to them to talk it out when your feeling sad, hurt, or angry. Listen to your heart, it knows best!
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